Wimpsters and their Worlds Part 1: Seth Cohen

Here's one from the archives: originally posted in December 2004 (circa Season 2 of The O.C.). Just some minor edits, and updated dead links.

In the Summer 2004 issue of BUST (with Jena Malone on the cover), Rachel Elder hailed Seth Cohen as "the new wave of wimpster", and I couldn't agree more. He's Fox Network's poster boy for emo - always analyzing his love life that trajectoried from nonexistent to love triangle to zero to his female hipster doppelganger Anna then back to zero to the ultimate prizewinner, the once unattainable and popular Summer, girl of his dreams since birth. Baffled by this unlikely pairing (tho this is pretty much a long drawn-out prime time TV staple), O.C. fans like myself who actually bother remain his ever captive audience for those woefully articulated confessional diatribes, alongside Ryan Atwood, his emotionally distant adopted brother/best friend and Captain Oats, faithful childhood friend and plastic horse.

Situation #1: Memories of 6th grade and a poem about mermaids

Seth went from "Who?" to "Ewww!" to "Cohen!" status with Summer Roberts in a matter of episodes. He first serves as a good luck charm, blowing on her dice in a Vegas-themed party. She was on a roll, yes? (Nasty pun there.) Then he woos her with his keen sense of memory on a poem she read in class back in 6th grade. The poem? "I wish I was a mermaid..." blah blah blah. For some reason, it warrants a kiss, an impulsive one on Summer's part. She must have been drunk or something coz she played deadma in the following days to come. Because he so wants to score, he just has to remind her, y'know, to keep tabs.


Situation #2: I go crazy...when I'm without you

Tijuana didn't pan in the Summer Romance department, and it's back to school, and back to their cafeteria table groupings (nice caf, by the way. It's so upscale coffee shop). The new girl from Pittsburgh is so hip and stylin', it makes you wonder why Seth is actually turning to her as a go-between to increase his chances with Ms. Thang. Coz once you've seen Anna Stern, Summer not only pales in comparison, she just isn't as articulate (let's file that one under Things That Make You Go Ewww!) But in the end, this is Seth's crusade, and we have no say in the matter, other than to cringe, make faces, exclaim WTF every so often or just laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it coz the writers are having just as much fun - and that's not common for a TV drama. Heck, it even pays tribute to Some Kind of Wonderful without anyone having to pay a cent (the future's so bright for these Newport kids anyway). Instead, you have Anna going for the kill and fire alarms going off in Summer's head. Oh, lookie, the dumb bitch flinched. But then again, who's sympathizing?


Situation #3: Three-Way Thanksgiving

After Summer's shocking confession, Seth finds himself in a love triangle and indulges both her and Anna in a major kiss fest - in his own home! Gracious host that he was, he was smart enough to keep Anna occupied with Captain Oats in his bedroom while exchanging wet, sloppy kisses with Summer downstairs. Things get steamy, alright, but while we get thoroughly entertained, we know that Seth's assholicism is surfacing. But like all assholes who think they're getting away with something, he gets found out. The clever work he's done to prevent the two girls from meeting goes to shit, as does the turkey, as they come face to face in the kitchen and realize they've been played on a three-way absentia, swapping spit through Seth. With no more turkey and women to feast on, he finds himself alone, distraught, finding solace in Chinese takeout and cockblocking yet another one of Ryan's tender moments with Marissa. Whinge, mope, repeat.


Situation #4: Bring Love on Chrismukkah

It's girl competition on the rise with Ultimate Betty and Veronica! The catch? Why, Ultimate Archie, of course! That's a given, duh. But on Chrismukkah, Seth doesn't know what he's getting til the girls bring it on at the party. Anna's in tune with Seth's line of interests and produces this really sweet mini-comic called The Adventures of Seth Cohen and Captain Oats. Summer, on the other hand, knows Seth reads comic books and, barring brainiac sensibilities, uses her curves instead for the ultimate titilation: to seduce him as Wonder Woman! Surely, that turns him on, but he proves he's no dickhead by not taking up on the offer in true wimpster fashion. At worst, it only leaves him conflicted between the two coz he likes them both but can realistically seek companionship with one. In the aftermath, he summons enough courage to speak to both of them, individually, to offer his friendship and the hipsterlicious Seth Cohen Starter Kit. But to no avail - it was all or nothing for the ladies.


Situation #5: Ch-Check Him Out!

As if Anna wasn't enough to make him happy, he so had to size up Summer's unfunny, pastypink-faced boyfriend. Seth has to make a case for how Danny's BIG humor makes him a second rate Leno, and Leno isn't even funny. Just to humor himself, he invites Danny over for an afternoon of videogames. In an effort to bond, Danny lets Seth know that all Summer could talk about was how he (as in Seth Cohen) was the funniest guy on earth. Imagine what a little ego-stroking can do - boost Seth's newfound confidence in his abilities to charm the pants off Summer, as well as anticipate that her relationship with Mr. BIG is doomed. Her resignation over the matter actually makes her more, um, likeable - there, I said it. But ha! The wimpster always wins!


Situation #6: Hopelessly Alike

Seth likes comics, Anna does, too. Orange peel smoothie with pineapple, ditto doo. (Okay, that was a lame attempt to rhyme.) But when Seth can't make a fashion statement coz Anna has the exact same red and white striped scarf, it's a HUGE problem that can be solved with the tired "opposites attract" idea...or was it really Summer all along? Seth the asshole has been turned up a notch higher when he shares the goodwill of comics with "his one true love" one typical afternoon while totally ignoring Anna. And as if Seth didn't see it coming, Anna dumped his ass for being such a heartbreaker. Bright Eyes was worth passing up...for that?!?


Situation #7: Let's be Emo away from our friends

It must be looove when you discover that the girl of your dreams has a Princess Sparkle to match/complement your Captain Oats. We've been teased with the kissing games, now let the real games begin! Cherries are popped, but Seth and Summer can't get their thing past a Hollywood-style romance. Why? Because the popular girl does not want her snobby friends to know that she has affection for someone outside their circle - an Emo dork, in fact. So now it's "poor Seth, can't get the girl coz the bitch cares more about her reputation." But really, it's more like "idiot!" on both counts. Seth sticks to his vow of celibacy til she acknowledges their relationship in public. How noble. And he does it all the way, too, til she professes her love for this Emo boy, of all places, in a kissing booth. Um, yeah, what a heartwrenching moment. Pass me some tissue.


Situation #8: You always said we'd still be friends...someday

Anna is moving back to Pittsburgh, and Seth thinks he's to blame for "driving her away", only she won't admit it when she lists her reasons for going. He's so consumed with guilt that he even has to take it up with Summer during a make-out session. For once, Summer makes sense: to tell Anna what he thinks he knows would make him a self-absorbed shmuck. He went as far as being presumptuous about the pool-soaked letter she left for him as being a "love letter". So Seth gives chase to Journey's Separate Ways (how apt) on the way to the airport and catches Anna in the nick of time, passing thru Security. He confronts her about the "love" part, and she clarifies that she loves him "as a friend", and that they'd be a perfect couple in another lifetime or whatever. No matter how many times he asks her whether he's the cause for her sudden departure, she'll never give him an answer he'll be satisfied with. The self-absorbed part always comes up, and who knows whether he'll ever get the hint. He definitely knows where his heart is - he doesn't want her back, but he tells her he'd be lost without her. Yeah, right. Wimpster on! It's always been about you, Cohen.


Situation #9: He's off to see The Vegas

Summer's daddy doesn't approve of comic geeks for boyfriends. And since Summer, as it turns out, is Daddy's Little Girl who doesn't wanna do wrong, she decides to deal with Seth by not dealin'. If Seth has one too many a cryptic explanation to contend with, then The Vegas is the place to go - with hookers...and Black Jack! (Enough with Futurama, it was really Poker.) Knowing that Seth's luscious mouth would go astray is enough for Summer to win her man back - to hell what Daddykins says!


Situation #10: The Old Man and the Sea

When Ryan makes up his mind to return to Chino with Theresa after getting her pregnant, Seth is devastated. Coz if Ryan hadn't come around, life wouldn't have been this wonderful for Seth. He's flipped his lid, and it reeks of sexism - blaming Marissa for jeopardizing her relationship with Ryan by befriending a headcase like Oliver Trask, coz if that hadn't happened, Ryan wouldn't have sought comfort and tenderness in the arms of his ex. Perhaps having Ryan around for a year has rubbed off on Seth, because he suddenly becomes emotionally distant toward Summer. And nothing she can say or do can help him deal with Ryan's decision. So he goes on a little trip, with another Summer (his boat) to guide him to wherever he ends up 2nd season: Portland (or The P), shacking up in the new residence of reformed fuckwit Luke Ward.

Welcome to The O.C., bitch!

To describe Seth's world is to use Luke as a reference point. Seth started off as a Hound of Loserville, prey to Luke's fists til Ryan came to stay. But when Luke's father is outed by vicious rumors and circumstance, an inevitably ostracized Luke doesn't quite know how to cope. For Seth, it's mainly a continuous shift in status quo, due in part to these "intricate" web of friendships, working to his favor. And so the next morning, both boys approach their beloved campus with apprehension, something routine on Seth's part but an entirely new feeling altogether for someone who had a taste of popularity up until yesterday. Before Seth glides away on his skateboard, he turns to Luke and says, "Welcome to my world."